The aura of Burnie Burns was strong in the bar that Monday night. He just wrapped up the live podcast, celebrating 8 years (2 decades) of podcasts. He was mingling with the crowd. I sat on the other side of the bar, with a couple of friends, looking at the swarm of fans circling Burns.
"Man," I thought to myself, "I would not want to be in the middle of that swarm!"
One of my colleagues looked at me and asked, "Hey, do you mind taking a photo of me with Burnie?"
"Sure!" I responded.
"Fuck!" I responded internally.
We walked closer and closer to the swarm, while Burnie's aura blinded us as we approached. The heat melted off my calm and cool exterior. My heart, pumped loudly. My voice, cracked pubertyly. It was happening.
My friend, absolutely fearless, asked Burns for a selfie. The nerve of him not bowing down to royalty! A loud guffaw I had, and then another.
"Okay!" said Burnie, melting everyone in a 5-person radius, "Hand that camera to your guffawing friend and let's do this."
I took the photo. Not my best work, as the guy's iPhone camera did not handle low light well. However, it would do.
"So, where are you guys from?"
"Fuck!" I said, "a conversation, with Burnie Burns?! I was not prepared!"
Burnie looked at me, cautiously. "Sir, I will not fuck a conversation with you." He laughed. "I think your inner voice is on speaker."
"Ha ha," I said. "Ha ha ha," I continued. His aura, still menting the room like a chocolate bar in the Texas sun.
"What do I say?" I thought internally. "Do I crack a joke? 'Yeah, I'm here making a new show, Mauve vs. Orange!' Nah, too corny. Maybe I'll compliment his tie? Shit, he's not wearing a tie."
I stood there, thinking in silence, for over 4 minutes. Burns, melting fondue with his aura, just stared in silence.
"Maybe I can recite a haiku? Or—"
"Hey kid," said the nearby bartender, snapping me out of my train of thought, "That guy left like 10 minutes ago."
She was right! I was standing alone with my thoughts and the hot bartender.
"Also," she continued, "his aura was so Mordorishly hot that it killed all of the other people in this bar. Also, the bar is on fire. Also, pretty sure he muted you on Twitter."
I doubled her tip and then walked away in shame.
So, I really did meet @burnie and he was just so cool. Absolute pleasure to talk to, and I look forward to the day our paths meet again.